Switching from Negative to Positive Time Out

Question:

I’m just reading Positive Discipline A-Z and finding it very helpful. I have two daughters almost 2 and almost 4 years old.

I have (unfortunately) been using negative time-out practices with our older daughter and would like to switch over to positive, but don’t know how to make the switch. The ridiculous situation we’re in is that she’s never been willing to respect the time-out to begin with, so I’ve had to hold the door closed the entire length of the time-out, which makes me feel a terrible ogre. How do I switch to the positive time-out/take a break concept with this history behind us, and help her to really utilize it by taking the time she needs and not just bolting out of the room? Usually I reserve time-outs for times when she is frustrated about not getting her way and resorts to hitting me.

Answer:

You could start by apologizing to your daughter and tell her that you have been using time out as a punishment, and that you don’t want to do that any more, because taking time out is a good thing to give people time to calm down and feel better so they can do better. Positive time out is effective only when children are old enough to help design it and then “choose it.” Brainstorm with her about how to design an area that would help her feel better when she is upset – cushions, books, stuffed animals, soft music — and then to think of another name, such as the “feel good place” or the “cool-off spot”. Then when she is frustrated, you can ask, “Would it help you to go to your feel good spot or would you like to put this problem on the family meeting agenda. You decide?” It is very encouraging and empowering for a child to have a choice.