Sibling Fights: Putting Kids in the Same Boat

by Jane Nelsen

If you can’t stand to stay out of your children’s fights, and decide to become involved, the most effective way is to put your children in the same boat. Do not take sides or try to decide who is at fault. Chances are you wouldn’t be right, because you never see everything that goes on. Right is always a matter of opinion. What seems right to you will surely seem unfair from at least one child’s point of view. If you feel you must get involved to stop fights, don’t become judge, jury, and executioner. Instead, put them in the same boat and treat them the same. Instead of focusing on one child as the instigator, say something like, “Kids, which one of you would like to put this problem on the agenda,” or, “Kids, do you need to go to your feel good places for a while, or can you find a solution now?” or, “Kids, do you want to go to separate rooms until you can find a solution.”

Mrs. Hamilton noticed two year old Marilyn hitting eight month old Sally. Mrs. Hamilton felt that Sally had not done anything to provoke Marilyn, but she still put them both in the same boat. First she picked baby Sally up, put her in her crib, and said, “We’ll come get you when you are ready to stop fighting.” Then she took Marilyn to her room and said, “Come let me know when you are ready to stop fighting, and we’ll go get the baby.”