Child Misses Her Father

First, I want to say that I am a huge fan of your books and keep them at my bedside so I can refer to them often. Growing up with an abusive, alcoholic father, I was desperate to learn how to parent differently so that my daughter didn’t endure the same sort of childhood that I did. When I feel myself reacting to something that feels too much like my father, I take a time-out and pick-up one of your books.

I’m wondering if you can help me talk to my daughter about her absent father. She is 3-1/2 and has never met him. He does send money each month to help pay for her daycare and other expenses, and I have told her that.

Occasionally, she’ll ask me about him and I try and answer as honestly as possible, but I’m wondering now if I should be giving her more (or less!?) information. Another friend of mine is also a single mom of a preschool-age daughter. She denies to her daughter the need for a father, and so her daughter has now started to imagine a father to replace the absent, real father. My daughter has picked up on this. She told me in the car the other day that she wanted to be “died and built again” so she could know her real father. I didn’t handle it well because I wasn’t sure how to handle it. Then she told me last night that she wanted me to die so that “my daddy will always be in my heart.” I’m not sure where this is coming from. I don’t want to find us in a situation where she idealizes her absent father and blames me for his absence-is that inevitable? I know I can’t replace him for her, and I can’t force him to be part of her life. But I don’t want her to be a victim of his absence either. Any guidance would be appreciated.