Aggressive Sibling

Question:

I have a happy easy going five-year-old boy who recently started hitting and scratching his 2 ½ year-old sister and behaving much more defiant. I try not to react with anger—which it really does make me, because my siblings and I fought often and never learned to not hit, we went to school with scabs on our arms from scratching each other. Additionally it was my older siblings who started this and I felt they were never stopped by my parents, thus my younger sister and I felt afraid and unprotected. I am watchful not to overreact, shame, or yell and spank him for his hitting, although I feel I need to ensure his sister’s safety and put an end to this behavior. I ask him how he can handle his anger with out hitting. He came up with some great alternatives, ones was to talk to her.

Unfortunately in a real situation, Talking to his 2 1/2 year-old sister does little good since she does not yet understand. I also don’t want him to look to me to solve every conflict (which was his father’s solution…” Tell mom or dad what she did instead of hitting her and we will handle her”). His sister has usually taken his toy or knocked down his building made of blocks, or pulled his hair or scratched him. I understand her behavior, I think she is lashing out at him because she doesn’t have the words to tell him to stop, and he does seem to take great pleasure in aggravating her, poking her stomach nana-nana, boo-boo type stuff, but I tend to think that by age 5 he should have more tools and self control.