VALIDATE FEELINGS – A Positive Discipline Tool Card

Billy is sad because his friend doesn’t want to play with him. Susan is angry because she doesn’t want to pick up her toys. Tammie hates her baby brother and wants to hit him.

Billy’s Mom tries to comfort him by saying, “Don’t feel sad, Billy. You have other friends, and I love you.”

Susan’s Dad tries to squelch Susan’s anger by getting angry at her, “Don’t act like such a spoiled brat. Do you expect me to do everything?  Can’t you be more responsible?”

Tammie’s mother tries to deny Tammie’s feelings, “No you don’t hate your baby brother.  You love him.”

No wonder many adults have trouble expressing their feelings. As children they were not allowed to feel what they felt. Next time you feel like fixing, squelching, or denying feelings, try to just validate them—through a question or a statement. “How are you feeling about that?” “I can see that makes you very mad.” “Little brothers can be so annoying.” Sometimes it can be encouraging to validate feelings, with your lips together, “Mmmmm.” (Of course that “Mmmmm,” should convey empathy.) This allows children to discover that they can work through their feelings and learn from them.