Step Parenting Blues

Question:

Dear Jane:

I have some questions on how to deal with my partner’s five-year-old son and am hoping you will be able to provide me with some insight. We have been living together for 5 1/2 months and I am having huge difficulty adjusting to his son, being around half-time (he and his ex have joint custody). His son is an only child and is characteristically very spoiled. He is used to getting his own way and, when he doesn’t, he will usually throw a tantrum. As I am not the biological parent, my partner does not want me to discipline his child. In many ways I understand this reasoning, but it is so hard not to! Especially when I feel my partner doesn’t hold up his end of the deal when his son breaks the house rules. I get so angry and resentful when this happens and end up ruminating about it for days! I’ve tried to talk with my partner about this, but I always end up feeling unheard. I can’t seem to let go of this rage I feel when I have no control over what happens in my house. I’m the one (instead of my partner, the parent) who always comes up with creative solutions to dealing with his misbehavior and have suggested many of your website’s tips on Positive Discipline, but my partner never seems to stick with them, even after we’ve agreed on how he will handle things in the future. I feel like my partner is more concerned with having his son “like” him than he is with raising him properly. His parenting tactics seem to be primarily motivated by earning back his role as the “favorite parent”. I know criticizing his doesn’t help matters, but I feel like I have no other outlet to express how frustrated I am with things! On top of all this, I feel like my partner adores his son more than he does me and showers him with much more affection and attention than I ever get. I feel so hurt and neglected by this and am ashamed to say that I’m dreadfully jealous of his five-year-old son. I have never felt so miserable and helpless in my life!