Question:

We are at our wits end trying to discipline our 13-yr. old son. He is VERY disrespectful…(the more I do for him – the more he disrespects us).  We thought we were disciplining him the “right way” – but no – its not working. He has gone weeks w/o the things he enjoys the most. It doesn’t make a difference. HELP!

Answer:

Thirteen is such a delightful age, isn’t it? There is so much going on for kids at thirteen: they are working on deciding who they are and what they must do to find belonging and a sense of worth both at home and with their peers (particularly with peers). Their bodies are changing, usually either too fast or not fast enough. The prefrontal cortex of their brains has not developed fully yet, which means the “executive functions” like wisdom, good judgment, and setting priorities aren’t working very well yet. And they need both connection to their families and the freedom to establish their own individual identity–one reason they so often argue with parents (anger is a powerful connection AND a way to feel separate). In addition, boys are likely to withdraw when angry or unhappy; they often disappear into their rooms to listen to music, or they simply leave, which can feel disrespectful and frustrating to their worried parents.