Dethroned 5-year-old won’t let baby nap

Question:

I absolutely love the Positive Discipline 5 CD set. I feel that if I can do some of the things that are on your CDs that it will change our family’s lives. I have been so passionate about this new way of parenting that I actually got my husband to listen to them. My favorite thing you say is to get excited about a mistake, so that we and our kids can learn from it. Thank you so much for making me fell empowered as a parent. Now if we can only get this thinking into the public school system.

I do have a question. I have a 5-year-old son and three-month-old daughter. My son seems to have adapted fairly well to the new addition but there is one major problem. Every time he sees her napping he will scare her to wake her up. She gets absolutely hysterical, so he gets the reaction that he wants. I do not know what to do. We live in a small 1927 home so the only room that has locks is the bathroom, otherwise, I would just lock her in the room, although, I still think he would find a way to wake her up.

Thank you, Tanya

Answer:

Hi Tanya, I think you are experiencing a classic case of “dethronement.” I’m sure your son loves his baby sister—with mixed feelings. He also sees her as a threat to his place in your heart and isn’t sure how to handle this. He isn’t even consciously aware of the confusion he is feeling. It goes something like this:

Children are constantly making decisions about how to find belonging and significance in their world. Typically, first born children subconsciously decide that they belong when they are “first” and “best.” When another baby is born their world gets turned upside down because, from their perception, the newborn is being treated as first and best. That is how they interpret all the time and attention given to the new baby.