How Do You Spend Time That Counts?  

DURING THE TEEN years, when your children spend less and less time with you, it’s more important than ever to connect in ways that really count. Unfortunately, there are several conditions that make quality time especially difficult to achieve: busy schedules, teenagers’ preference to be with their friends, and time spent lecturing, judging, and punishing.

Brian decided to try spending quality time with his son, Ted. Brian’s attempts to control Ted’s use of drug and alcohol had damaged their relationships. He had grounded Ted, taken his car away, and lectured ad infinitum (“How could you do such a thing? You’ll ruin your life forever. What have we done wrong?”), but all to no avail. Ted got more defiant and more rebellious, and the father-son relationship deteriorated badly. Brian was thoroughly discouraged, but decided to take a class called “Empowering Teens and Yourself in the Process” before giving up completely. The very first night of the class he heard something that would later change his life, as well as his son’s. The facilitator said, “Sometimes you get the best results by forgetting about behavior and focusing on the relationship.” Brian thought that sounded pretty simplistic, but he also realized that trying to improve his relationship with his son certainly couldn’t do any harm—even if it didn’t do any good.